Another entry - I talked to mom and got a little bit of sense talked into me. I think I always knew Gera was somewhat of a safety net...that doesn't mean I didn't/don't care about him, but I always felt it was going to end at some point. Sooner rather than later was probably the best decision, but dealing with being alone is almost like going through withdrawal!
Mom says getting high from being with a new relationship/person is a very real chemical reaction, so it makes sense that I've been driven crazy by it the past couple days. It's painful to deal with friends not always being available, and I no longer have someone to pick up the phone whenever I want them to.
She made a good point that maybe my co-worker was the instigator in breaking up my relationship. That maybe I felt disappointed because now that I'm single, he's not so interested anymore. I think, "How could anyone not like me?" Well, there it is. She said I talk about all the things I should be doing, but haven't embraced it as true yet. I've tried to force myself into someone else's life, and in so-doing have nearly repeated my past again. I don't need someone else to validate or define me, I need to define myself.
Syam said the other week that he worries he'll go down the wrong path, and that he's alone and all he has is himself, (and from what it seems, that's the way he likes it). I think to myself that I can change that by being who I am and impressing him, but it doesn't work like that. Just as I put together a mix to drive him home to tonight (to impress him further), I wind up just dropping him off at some karaoke place to hang out with friends, and I wasn't invited. Plan to get laid, nilched. He doesn't want to change or embrace change the same way I don't want to...but I'm strong and I can do it. Arg!
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