Talking to my co-worker Berkeley made me feel better about the whole awkwardness last night. I've been drinking way too much coffee and haven't felt very grounded (no pun intended). After work today I got my nails done with Maya and we're planning on leaving for San Luis tomorrow after I get off work (around four). I should be working with Syam tomorrow for a half hour before I leave...I have this odd feeling like I want to please the guy. That needs to stop! Berkeley say's I should keep trying to get to know him as a friend and see how it goes. I can't help but take it personally that he hasn't picked up many of the bones I've thrown his way...and I should be patient and just be okay with where I'm at. I need to find and establish a routine that I like...and go back to working and not caring what anyone thinks (cough, like this guy). I feel a little lonely and depressed...soon to pass I guess.

Another entry - I talked to mom and got a little bit of sense talked into me. I think I always knew Gera was somewhat of a safety net...that doesn't mean I didn't/don't care about him, but I always felt it was going to end at some point. Sooner rather than later was probably the best decision, but dealing with being alone is almost like going through withdrawal!

Mom says getting high from being with a new relationship/person is a very real chemical reaction, so it makes sense that I've been driven crazy by it the past couple days. It's painful to deal with friends not always being available, and I no longer have someone to pick up the phone whenever I want them to.

She made a good point that maybe my co-worker was the instigator in breaking up my relationship. That maybe I felt disappointed because now that I'm single, he's not so interested anymore. I think, "How could anyone not like me?" Well, there it is. She said I talk about all the things I should be doing, but haven't embraced it as true yet. I've tried to force myself into someone else's life, and in so-doing have nearly repeated my past again. I don't need someone else to validate or define me, I need to define myself.

Syam said the other week that he worries he'll go down the wrong path, and that he's alone and all he has is himself, (and from what it seems, that's the way he likes it). I think to myself that I can change that by being who I am and impressing him, but it doesn't work like that. Just as I put together a mix to drive him home to tonight (to impress him further), I wind up just dropping him off at some karaoke place to hang out with friends, and I wasn't invited. Plan to get laid, nilched. He doesn't want to change or embrace change the same way I don't want to...but I'm strong and I can do it. Arg!

Sometimes it feels like "roadblocks" are designed in my life for a reason. Not like I really believe in that sort of thing, or that I put much energy into the idea of fate, but tonight seemed like a prime example of that. You can't always get what you want (I can picture Hedwig saying that). What is it about infatuation that flips everything upside down? I can honestly say, shitty enough I might add, I was more disappointed tonight than I was when I broke up with Gera.

I guess for the past six years I've always had someone (a boyfriend) to fall back on. Wow, and for once in years...I don't have that security. I like being single so far (the entire week of it); I have a lot more free time in the evenings, and it makes my schedule a lot easier to manage. I have no one else to worry about beside myself--no one to wait on.

So I'll get down to it. There's this guy I work with who I think is pretty cool, and pretty cute. The other week, I stayed late until he closed and we talked the whole time. I got the idea that he maybe has interest in me, especially because he bought a tattoo gun for me to draw/practice on him with. I've talked to a few people who've said he maybe likes me, and yesterday he responded to one of my messages saying to let him know whenever I wanted to hang out (he lives near me).

The roadblock thing came to mind today when I found an excuse to hang out with him tonight by coming in and training on closing (it was partly Bill's suggestion, but I made it happen). Honestly, it was really awkward and I felt really creepy the entire time standing near or behind him watching what he was doing; maybe it's because I was hoping he would want to hang out afterward. It didn't help that I asked him what he was doing yesterday, in which he replied he was busy. I remember him saying something about being "an escapist" and "self-destructive" when he sort of opened up about a week ago, and whether or not he has any interest in me at all, he certainly didn't act like it tonight--a reaction to my interest in him maybe? Or maybe he's just awkward about it. I got a different idea from his roomie who said he was talking about me doing his tattoos all the time.

I saw this picture on Tumblr that read, "You don't let anyone close to you, you're always alone." Ryan said something like, "Maybe he's just that kind of guy (the kind who acts impulsive and says whatever he feels like)." I feel I've definitely had some opportunities to see other people, but I've focused my attention on this one guy in hopes he'd ask me on a date. Am I looking into this way too much? Was it simply that he made plans already, and if he didn't have anything else to do, maybe it would have worked out in my favor? Anyway, I feel like I was pushing it by conveniently having to train on closing.

Being single gives off an air of desperation at times; I had a lot of coffee today and probably seemed overly enthusiastic. I went to one of his shows the other day too, which I thought went well (my night class was conveniently cancelled). I gave his roommate/band mate a ride home and hung out for a while hoping he would get back in time to hang out a little.

I haven't feel so driven crazy since high school! I think it's because I usually always get what I want in the end...I'm not saying it's not possible, still. He may very well have had plans tonight, but if I'm his friend and all why wasn't I invited? I'm looking into this way too much and need to eat. Just forget about him! Gyahhh.

Honestly, this is what I'm striving for...still a little curve, but still slim. I feel a little obsessive posting this, but I think I'll use it to keep in mind where it is I want to be.

It's been about three weeks since I've been to the gym...the good news is, not much has visibly changed with my body since, but I feel awful! Well...and I've been working a lot and going to school. I just need to figure out a way to work out my schedule so I'm going more often. It'll also help to have Gera back in town but...gosh, I just really want to have the energy to do it myself, you know? I'll get back on track soon.

This girl at my work the other day gave me a compliment about how I was looking in my jeans, "Wow you look great in those jeans!" To be honest I feel like this is one of the first compliments I've gotten just dressed in plain old jeans for the longest. Not just, "Those are cute jeans." But, "You look great in those jeans!" It meant a lot to me. The entire time I've been working out my legs have been something I'm fixed on getting toned. Although there's no way to target weight loss, and I have a pretty thin upper body, I'm determined to get these stems of mine looking fine.

I'm so excited I think I'm finally going to make it happen - I got a look at myself for the first time in ages, full length, in the privacy of my parents home...and I was honestly surprised at what I saw. I'm much more fit than I thought I was and I'm so pleased with that...a muscular build and flatter tummy than I had realized! Anyway, it's my second day here in San Luis and I've eaten so much good food...I've realized being in an environment like La Boulange makes it so much easier to snack on junk food. I feel amazing already after eating veggies all day and riding my aunts road bike around this little town. I may actually be somewhere around my goal weight by the time I get to school! That is, if I can get to that weight without losing my energy...if that's the case, I'll just have to work with what I got which definitely isn't anything to complain about...

I just want to be fit and capable and feel good in my skin...and speaking of my skin, it's looking so much better! Doing these monthly facials was such a good idea, and she tints my eyebrows too so I can really feel like I can put mascara on and just go. After just a few sessions a lot of damage has been reversed and my complexion is already looking much more even. How exciting to be looking better at 22 than I did when I was 18 :)